My daughter is teething. BIG TIME. Her bottom two molars are halfway in and they are clearly driving her nuts. They are driving me nuts too. When she is that miserable, she doesn’t nap. When she doesn’t nap, she’s ornery as hell, because she’s exhausted. A tired toddler doesn’t deal as well with teething pain and a worn out mommy doesn’t deal well with a tired, ornery toddler.

Well, worn out mommy and tired, ornery toddler had to go to Walmart to buy some ingredients for dinner last night. We dragged hubby along. We are shopping as fast as we can, but it soon becomes clear that tired, ornery toddler isn’t going to make it through the shopping trip without food. I grabbed two Buddy Fruits, one to scan twice at the checkout, and one to feed the impatient toddler. We had a peaceful 5 minutes and then the crying started. I grabbed two string cheese and we had the same scenario. We have one last thing to get, but tired, ornery toddler has had enough! ALL OUT HELL BREAKS LOOSE. She’s screaming, hitting at both mommy and daddy and we are so embarrassed and overwhelmed that we snap at each other. All of this with a Walmart employee literally 4 feet behind us, staring wide-eyed. We have a 6-pack of Parent’s Choice “pediasure” in the cart, so I whip one out, open it and try to help her drink it. Little did I know that last night was the day when she decided that she will drink out of a can by herself. She smacked my hands away and then she dumped it… aaaallllll oovvveerrrr….. *sigh*

That was it. I was done. I grabbed my screaming child, told hubby to check out and we’d meet him at the car. I headed for the front of Walmart as fast as I could with my tired, ornery toddler screaming and flailing the whole way. It was like the walk of mommy shame. EVERYONE stopped and stared. I avoided eye contact as much as possible and when we finally stepped out into the sunshine I was so relieved. I barreled to the car and strapped the tired, ornery toddler in. She stopped screaming and stared at me. She gave me this look like, “Hey mom. You look upset. Is something wrong?” Really? After all that, you are suddenly fine? Life is peachy, you are content, nothing happened. What the hell?

That was the final straw and I wanted to cry. I sat in the front seat, turned the radio up and took many, many deep breaths. When hubby got to the car, I drove us home as fast as I could. I couldn’t take one more tantrum, one more screaming fit. I could tell by the look on hubby’s face that he couldn’t either. We both did our best not to fall apart as we were getting our tired, ornery toddler ready for bed. Every single thing we did set her off. It was the biggest relief to get that kid in bed, I tell you!

I was never going to be that mom in the store with an inconsolable child. I used to think, “Doesn’t that mom see that their child is tired and hungry? Why on earth would they bring a child to the store in that state? Shame on them.” I’m sure many other people at Walmart last night that don’t have kids looked at me and thought the same damn thing. To judge what you don’t understand is so stupid and so easy to do. I want to express my sympathy to the other stressed out, worn out, had a screaming kid all day, mommies that I used to judge. I did not understand, but I sure as hell do now. You have my condolences and my apologies.

The other night I had what I call a “trigger.” Those old feelings came flooding in like a hurricane and I thought I might drown. Wave after wave. Each time I kept thinking I’m ok, I’m ok and then the next one swallowed me up. It’s been so long since I felt that way and I have gained new understanding of myself and where those feelings come from. I reminded myself that it was ok to feel those feelings. It was ok to hurt and to feel the pain. It was also ok to talk it out and let it go. I am not ashamed. I did nothing wrong and I can allow myself to be outraged at the hurt and the pain. Anger is a normal feeling too, as long as I’m not angry at myself. I reminded myself that because I did nothing wrong and those feelings, though unexpected and scary at first, were normal and so I don’t need to hate myself for feeling them. I felt and I released and I breathed again.

If these words ring true for you, then I hope you realize that they are a reminder that though we all feel alone in this (even nearly 12 years later, as it is for me) we are not. We may be alone in our families in this experience, but we are not alone in the world. There are others like us, who feel what we feel and who have overcome. We are powerful in our own right and we deserve freedom from the pain. Release yourself. Feel and then let go. It isn’t possible in the beginning and if you are standing on that precipice, please know that others have gone before you. You will survive and YOU ARE STRONG. We have lived each day, the good ones and the bad ones and you will too. It’s only a matter of time before you only RARELY have a bad moment. You will always have those memories inside of you, but one day they will cease to surface and cease to ache. When you have those occasional triggers, remember that you can feel and let go. Don’t hate yourself, for you are beautiful and nothing you did then was wrong and nothing you feel now is either. Breathe. When you feel like you can’t, take strength from those that went before you. I will gladly give that to you.

 The darkness that takes over

And prevents my breath

I choke and struggle

Begging for relief

For release

The light fades from my sight

No one hears my screams

I’m alone now

And I’m scared

He took my body so many years ago

But he didn’t take my heart

And my soul fights with a vengence

These times, these moments

When the memories

Take my breath away

Is all that he’ll ever get from me

And they are only temporary

Because I am strong

I am powerful in my soul

I will not let those feelings

Enter my heart

I remind myself of my

Strength and beauty

Even all alone I am a force to be reckoned with

The light slowly returns

And I take a deep breath

A calm and a peace surround me

I’ve done it.

I control my memories

They will NEVER control me

My body is my own

As is my mind

And I have a self respect

And a power

That only a rape survivor understands.

Victim I am not

Not anymore.

Lane Lambert Ruesch

You know what I’m talking about. We have all seen them. Those women who look like they’ve dipped their head in a paint bucket. The dark orange face with a visible makeup line between their face and their neck. It’s all caked on and you can usually see a line right next to the hair line too. Their eyebrows look like they have been shaved off and then drawn on with a black marker. They have heavy eye makeup and lots of lipstick. You can often tell that they didn’t blend the lip liner with the lipstick, because it looks as if someone drew a dark line around their lips.

Some people think there is a fine line (no pun intended) between enough makeup and too much. I’m not so sure, as it seems fairly obvious to me. I think that you should NEVER see the foundation. If you can tell a difference between a woman’s face and her neck and hair line and it looks like a mask, you have too much makeup on and it’s probably the wrong color. A good rule that I learned in modeling, so that you don’t look like you have too much makeup on, is play up your eyes OR your lips, but not both. If you want to have really dark, smoky eyes and lots of liner, then put a natural shade on your lips. If you want bold, red lipstick, go easy on the eyes. By doing this, you avoid looking like a hooker. (Is street walker more politically correct or is it condescending… anyway…) It also depends on what time of day it is and where you’re going. If it’s noon and you are headed to the grocery store, you don’t need 12 pounds of mascara and dark lipstick. A more natural look is better. If it’s late evening and you are going out dancing or on a date, extra mascara and eye shadow is going to be fine.

I am not claiming to be an expert. I play around with my makeup all the time and I know I don’t do it perfectly. If I ever acheive a smoky eye like those on the commercials, I am going to throw a party! I’m just saying that if you know someone who wears way too much makeup, maybe it’s time to speak up. As embarrassing as it is, if you were walking around looking like you just got off the stage at a theater, wouldn’t you want someone to tell you? I would!

I don’t understand how someone could look in the mirror and say, “Wow. My makeup looks great!” In case they do though, I just hope they have a friend who’s willing to be brave and speak up. At some point, someone close to them should say something. Otherwise, you see people who look like this:

The last woman is beautiful. She absolutely doesn’t need all the makeup she has on. She would look much, much better with less. The only thing worse than too much makeup is a someone who tans nonstop. Please people, you aren’t supposed to be bright orange! You are causing skin cancer and it looks awful. Just stop. Really, it’s ok.

 Orange you gonna say I look perdy?

Source for all the photos: Google Images "Too Much Makeup" and "Fake Tan"

I decided that I was going to embrace my body this summer. I went out and bought two super cute sundresses, one long and one short. I put on the shorter one and headed to Walmart with my daughter. The dress hits above the knee a couple of inches, but it’s not too short or anything, so I never really worried about it. Well, Cedar City is the windiest city EVER. I swear! It’s like this constant running joke here between everyone that when there is no wind, the world is coming to an end or something.

Anyway, so I get to Walmart, I get out of the car and I’m nearly blown away. Typical, no biggie. Then, as I’m walking around the car I realize that I have to hold my dress down. I am trying to keep the dress down and get the stroller out of the trunk. I don’t have enough arms for both, so I just hope that no one is looking. Apparantly someone was… As I’m getting the stroller out and unfolded, I hear a woman start to holler at me.

“Hey! I hope you have something on under there!”

I whirled around to see this semi-scary, odd looking old woman wandering towards me.

“I do! No worries! I’m just pulling a “Marilyn Monroe!” *chuckle and smile*

“Good! You know some girls……*#$&%?^……*inaudible words*”

My what!? The woman didn’t look happy or pleased at all. I’m not entirely sure what she said at the end, but I believe she made reference to my unmentionables and letting them hang out or something. (I’m purposely not writing what she said, because it was not even something I’d ever say.) I just stood there for a second. I didn’t expect an old woman to make a comment like that. She continued to say stuff to me, but she also continued walking. She was still mumbling things several cars down.

Moral of the story? If it’s windy and you have a skirt on, wear boy shorts underneath or your unmentionables may be berated by an old woman! Oh, and for the record, I did NOT show anything or any unmentionables, thank you very much. It was a close call and a good lesson.

I had a really fun 4th of July. I made a whole bunch of food and I invited my mom and brothers over for an “appetizer” dinner. I made bruschetta that was to die for, my favorite couscous-stuffed bell peppers with mini peppers, so they were bite size, spinach artichoke dip with baguettes, fruit tartlets that were almost too pretty to eat, and some divine caramel chocolate candy dipped apples that were soooo good. I even made orange-lemon-lime julius to wash down the caramel apples. I have to pat myself on the back for this one, because for once every new recipe was a huge hit and it was all done right on time!

4th of July is usually about fireworks and family and our country’s independence, but this year it was all about the food! Ok, so we did do some fireworks too, which my sweet little sixteen month old loved. We even got her back up and watched the city fireworks after dark, and they were admittedly pretty awesome. It was really fun to watch the expression on my little girl’s face when she saw the huge ones that filled the sky. She kept pointing and grinning. She definitely enjoyed them.

The recipe for the fruit tartlets will be posted soon!

Cedar City has a ton of festivals and fairs every summer. In fact, it’s been featured in numerous newspaper articles across the country as one of the cities with some “can’t miss” festivals, particularly the Shakespearean Festival. We went to that a couple of years ago, but we’ve been dying to go see all of them and this is the year!

Last weekend was the Groovefest Music Festival/Arts Festival. We took some time away from working on the fence to go Saturday night. It was a blast! They had a huge stage with live bands playing the entire time and tons of booths. We had to eat a funnelcake and caramel apples and other yummy things while we wandered through the various arts booths. I have to say that they were spectacular. Some were your typical homemade jellies and jams, baby hair bows and the like, while others had incredible metal sculptures and paintings and hand carved wood. My favorites were the pressed flower art, the butterfly displays, and the leather brush art. The pressed flower art sounds tacky and old-fashioned, but it was beautiful. It was so well done and modern. I loved it! The butterfly displays were even more incredible. This woman had taken real butterflies and posed them with flowers and other natural things in acrylic shadow boxes. I would LOVE to have bought one, but they were too expensive for us right now.

Then there was this wonderful booth with a guy who was very skilled in leather brush art. You gave him a name and he would draw it out with each letter being a different animal or nature scene. They all represented various things: success, happiness, wealth, strength, etc. He drew it right in front of you and it was SPECTACULAR!!!! We couldn’t resist getting Mireya’s name done and one that had my hubby’s name and mine with a heart in between. For what he was doing the price wasn’t bad and it was an opportunity we couldn’t pass up. I got so excited while he was doing our names and I made such a scene with oohing and ahhing, that a ton of people came over and they got their names done too. I inadvertently got this fellow some great business. One woman even said, “I wasn’t going to get mine done, but yours looks so great…” Lol, the guy deserved it! He was a truly gifted artist.

Mireya had a lot of fun too. She danced and sang with the music and she thoroughly enjoyed looking at all the booths. Next year we are going to have to save up some money to take so we can get some of the gorgeous works of art we see. I can’t wait!

The first step in building our backyard fence was cementing fence posts into the ground. We knew it would be the most tedious, difficult job, but holy crap. It was dreadful. First, we had to dig the holes. A friend and his sons helped hubby buy posts, cement, and rent an auger. They got the holes measured and a straight line set up. We thought the auger would do all the hard work of digging the holes, but it didn’t. Some of the holes were only a few inches deep, because the auger just couldn’t get through our hard, rocky, clay soil. Basically, it just got things started. Hubby and I spent several weeks going outside whenever we had a few free minutes and we dug all 20 holes down two feet. It was a pain in the butt, let me tell you! We had to soak them overnight and then we could go down another couple of inches, so it was a very long, frustrating process.

By last weekend, we had all of the holes dug and we were ready to cement the posts in. We went out early Saturday morning and spent about four hours aligning all the posts and getting supports set up. Each post had to be six feet high and perfectly straight or our fence would look ridiculous. It was really aggravating, because the slightest little thing would knock a post one way or another and then we’d have to realign it. We went out again on Sunday and finished aligning the rest of the posts. Then we had to cement them all in.

Hubby’s Dad let us borrow his cement mixer, which was a huge help. However, neither of us have any experience with cement. It took us a while to figure out what the best way to mix it and pour it was. It didn’t help that each bag of cement weighed 80 pounds. Once we got a rhythm down, it wasn’t too bad, all things considered. Hubby mixed it and I shoveled it into the holes and made sure there were no air bubbles or anything. At the end of the day, eight hours of hard labor later, we had all of our fence posts in. YAHOO! I could hardly believe that we got it all down and all by ourselves too! The person who helped us the most was my mom. She watched Mireya while we were outside working. It would never have been possible to do all of it with Mireya outside. It would have been dangerous too. We couldn’t find anyone to help with the labor, so it was a lot more work than we anticipated, but it was satisfying to see it all come together. We are incredibly sore and worn out. Yesterday we were like walking zombies, but the hardest part is over. Check it out:

I did a stupid thing today that ended in laughter, because of a few good samaritans. My family went to an appointment with me and afterwards, hubby was strapping the baby into the car seat and I put the diaper bag on the roof of the car above him. I don’t remember if I even told him the diaper bag was there, I guess I just assumed he would see it and load it into the car before he got in. Well…. he didn’t.

I’m driving down the road, several blocks away from the building where my appointment was, when hubby suddenly rolls down the window. He started talking to some guy in a red pick-up and all I catch is, “…was that your diaper bag…. fell off….” I panicked and immediately got into the middle lane. Hubby tells me the guy said he saw a diaper bag fall off our roof in front of Sears. What!? Oy! How could I have been so stupid as to leave it on the roof of the car.

I’m flipping a u-turn, freaking out, because that diaper bag had all kinds of stuff in it. As a mom it’s like my holy grail and I can’t bear the thought of someone driving over it and the contents spilling all over the road. I’m speeding, trying to get back to the scene of the crime before too many cars hit it, thinking, “What if it causes an accident? It will be all my fault!” I’m picturing all these horrible things, one of which is someone stealing it. (I think about that now and really, who would steal a diaper bag? I have quite the imagination.) My worst fears are coming true when I see a few things* in the middle of the road that look like my stuff. I go to turn around, because there is still no sign of the diaper bag and I see a woman running up to the car. If you can believe it, a second good samaritan ran out into the road when she saw the bag fall and she retrieved nearly all the contents and then waited for us to notice and come back. I tell you I couldn’t thank that woman enough. What a nice thing to do!

A guy followed us for blocks to get our attention and a woman saved the diaper bag from destruction and returned it. Wow! People can really surprise you sometimes with the nice things they do that you don’t see coming. That scenario could have ended so differently. Hubby and I wouldn’t have noticed it was missing until we got to our destination and we wouldn’t have known where it fell off. We could have spent hours looking for that thing.

The morale of the story is: If you ever see a diaper bag on some woman’s car and it goes careening into traffic, please retrieve it for her. You will be doing a stressed out, spaced out mommy a HUGE favor. I don’t know what I would’ve done without the help from those two wonderful people. Thank you good samaritans, for saving my diaper bag and for saving my sanity.

*(By the way, those things in the road were out of the diaper bag and hubby gave me the most disgusted look when I told him that, yes, he did indeed need to get out of the car and get them out of the middle of the road.)

I have found in the last year or so that I hate hearing stories about people who are hurting or sad. I don’t like seeing people who are in distress or who are upset. I don’t care who you are, I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m not a perfect person, but the mother in me wants to make everyone happy. That is especially true when it comes to children. If I could, I would tell all the children out there that are in homes where they aren’t being taken care of, or that are being shuffled from home to home, or that have been through horrible things that children should never be subjected to, that they will be ok, they are loved and my heart hurts for them. They don’t know me, I am a stranger, another adult that they probably would feel they can’t trust, but if I could, I would give them all a hug.

I don’t understand why so many children have to go through such horrible things. I look at my own beautiful daughter and I can’t understand why someone else wouldn’t feel the same love for their child that I do for mine. I can say that without a doubt in my mind, I could take in any of those children out there that need a home and need love, and I would love them as much as if they were my own. I know that children who have been through difficult things, especially older children, come with baggage. I know that they quite often have behavioral issues and other things. I’m not saying that I would be the perfect parent to them. I’m not the perfect parent to my daughter. I’m not even saying that I should be a parent to anyone other than my daughter. I just wish that all children everywhere could wake up each day and feel loved. I wish that they could go to bed each night and feel safe, secure and happy. I’m shocked at the horrors that so many children live through.

I feel their pain, because I’ve been there. I hated my childhood. I was in a situation where even though everyone was doing the best that they could, I was miserable and was living a life that a child shouldn’t have to. There were happy days, but I remember feeling hurt and alone for the majority. I also went through several incredibly hard things that had nothing to do with my home life in addition to all the things that were going on at home. As an adult, I have managed to overcome so much, but that feeling of never being able to truly trust anyone remains. When everyone in your life that was supposed to take care of you and love you has hurt you, you feel alone. You reach a point when you realize that it is better to keep people at a distance than to open up and let them in. You feel like if you trust them, it is inevitable that they will rip your heart to shreds. For me, there is only one person in the world that I have ever completely let in and that I share every little feeling I have, and that’s my hubby. He is the one person that I trust completely, because though he and I fight from time to time, he has NEVER let me down. The love he gives me every day is remarkable and there are many days when I fight that old feeling of not being “worthy” of his love. I told my husband when I first met him that I was damaged goods. I felt that I should warn him ahead of time. What I didn’t understand then, that I understand now, is that I’m not, nor have I ever been, damaged goods. I was a child that went through awful things that I had no control over. I am as worthy of love as anyone else.

I guess that is the one thing I wish I could tell all the kids out there that feel alone, and like no one loves them and no one ever will, and that they can’t ever trust anybody. I wish that I could tell them that one day, they will find that one person who will show them what it’s like to be treated the way they should be treated and loved the way they should be loved. It might be a future spouse or best friend. That person will help them realize that they were always worthy of love and nothing that happened when they were a child was their fault. There is someone out there that will see them for who they really are and love them all the more for it. All these kids have to do is hold on and have hope. It may be one of the hardest things to do–hope. One day, things will change. The universe will put them on a path to that special person if they will just have faith.

So many kids give up and turn to bad things to cope and just survive. They don’t care if they live or die, all they know is that the world right now is too painful to be in and they just want the pain to stop. My heart hurts for those kids especially. What if there was one person in their life that saw how much they were hurting and didn’t say anything. What if that one person had taken five minutes and said, “I know that life hurts right now and I know you can’t see how it could ever get better, but I promise it will. I know you feel you can’t trust anyone and you probably don’t trust me, but please have hope. When you feel like giving up, just hang on for one more day, because that might be the day your world changes. That might be the day someone shows you what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. Please, please, hold on.” What if that’s all it took?

We as a society are so hateful and mean. We judge others and we try so hard to make people be what we think they should be rather than saying, “You know what? You may be different than me and you may make different choices, but that’s ok. I ask that you treat me with respect and I will show you the same courtesy. All of our differences are what makes us unique and beautiful, so I surely won’t condemn you for yours.” I don’t see why everyone has to tear each other down and make someone hurt, because they don’t see everything the same way. As long as everyone does their best to be a good person and they aren’t out committing horrific crimes or something, then we are all worthy of love and respect. We don’t have to all sit in a circle and sing “koom-by-ya,” but we can coexist peacefully and maybe even smile at each other in Walmart.

I know I’m not the first person to feel like it’s time this legacy of pain and hurt ended. I am simply adding my voice to the thousands/millions of others who have come before me. Next time you want to flip someone off for cutting you off in traffic, remind yourself that maybe it was a genuine mistake, or maybe they just got horrible news and they’re distracted, or maybe it was intentional, but by being angry about it you are only hurting yourself and you just might carry that anger with you. When you get home you might snap at your kids or your spouse and taint their day with upset. Would it really be that bad to grumble to yourself and then move on? Next time something happens and your response would normally be to get angry, try to have a different reaction. Try to think why that person may have done what they did. Maybe they are in pain and if you reach out with love you might just get a response that you didn’t expect. We are all so quick to judge and to assume. I wonder what would happen in the world if we all chose love and compassion over hate and anger? I’m no saint and it’s no secret that most people drive me nuts. I’m not preaching and being hypocritical. I’m preaching to both you and me. I need to hear all this as much as anyone out there. We need more love in this world and it starts with the individual. Who’s day can you change with a smile?

I hate building a fence. I hate it. If you ever need help with a fence, I would be more than happy to help you find a professional, but I won’t come do it myself. I’m sorry, but I just won’t do it. Ok, maybe you could persuade me if your weather is going to be 65 degrees with a gentle breeze and no direct sunlight. Maybe if your soil is nice and soft, with no rocks and no heavy clay. Maybe if you can guarantee that I won’t get sunburned, or eaten by mosquitos, or get a dozen blisters on my hands. Maybe if you will bring in a chiropractor to put my body back together afterwards. Maybe if you will let me take frequent breaks and bring me lots of refreshments. Maybe if you do all those things, I’ll come build your fence… You know what? Never mind. It’s still a “no.”

I will make you a promise though. I promise that if you ask for my help building a fence, I will give you a ton of positive encouragement, all my blessings and wishes of luck. I will even give you a big hug. Then I will give you the name and number of a professional in your area with a really big smile on my face. I might even include the number for your local hardware store with a note on the bottom containing the number for a local chiropractor and therapist. (The chiropractor is for when your done building and the therapist is because you are obviously crazy for wanting to do it yourself.) Your welcome!