I did a stupid thing today that ended in laughter, because of a few good samaritans. My family went to an appointment with me and afterwards, hubby was strapping the baby into the car seat and I put the diaper bag on the roof of the car above him. I don’t remember if I even told him the diaper bag was there, I guess I just assumed he would see it and load it into the car before he got in. Well…. he didn’t.

I’m driving down the road, several blocks away from the building where my appointment was, when hubby suddenly rolls down the window. He started talking to some guy in a red pick-up and all I catch is, “…was that your diaper bag…. fell off….” I panicked and immediately got into the middle lane. Hubby tells me the guy said he saw a diaper bag fall off our roof in front of Sears. What!? Oy! How could I have been so stupid as to leave it on the roof of the car.

I’m flipping a u-turn, freaking out, because that diaper bag had all kinds of stuff in it. As a mom it’s like my holy grail and I can’t bear the thought of someone driving over it and the contents spilling all over the road. I’m speeding, trying to get back to the scene of the crime before too many cars hit it, thinking, “What if it causes an accident? It will be all my fault!” I’m picturing all these horrible things, one of which is someone stealing it. (I think about that now and really, who would steal a diaper bag? I have quite the imagination.) My worst fears are coming true when I see a few things* in the middle of the road that look like my stuff. I go to turn around, because there is still no sign of the diaper bag and I see a woman running up to the car. If you can believe it, a second good samaritan ran out into the road when she saw the bag fall and she retrieved nearly all the contents and then waited for us to notice and come back. I tell you I couldn’t thank that woman enough. What a nice thing to do!

A guy followed us for blocks to get our attention and a woman saved the diaper bag from destruction and returned it. Wow! People can really surprise you sometimes with the nice things they do that you don’t see coming. That scenario could have ended so differently. Hubby and I wouldn’t have noticed it was missing until we got to our destination and we wouldn’t have known where it fell off. We could have spent hours looking for that thing.

The morale of the story is: If you ever see a diaper bag on some woman’s car and it goes careening into traffic, please retrieve it for her. You will be doing a stressed out, spaced out mommy a HUGE favor. I don’t know what I would’ve done without the help from those two wonderful people. Thank you good samaritans, for saving my diaper bag and for saving my sanity.

*(By the way, those things in the road were out of the diaper bag and hubby gave me the most disgusted look when I told him that, yes, he did indeed need to get out of the car and get them out of the middle of the road.)

I have found in the last year or so that I hate hearing stories about people who are hurting or sad. I don’t like seeing people who are in distress or who are upset. I don’t care who you are, I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m not a perfect person, but the mother in me wants to make everyone happy. That is especially true when it comes to children. If I could, I would tell all the children out there that are in homes where they aren’t being taken care of, or that are being shuffled from home to home, or that have been through horrible things that children should never be subjected to, that they will be ok, they are loved and my heart hurts for them. They don’t know me, I am a stranger, another adult that they probably would feel they can’t trust, but if I could, I would give them all a hug.

I don’t understand why so many children have to go through such horrible things. I look at my own beautiful daughter and I can’t understand why someone else wouldn’t feel the same love for their child that I do for mine. I can say that without a doubt in my mind, I could take in any of those children out there that need a home and need love, and I would love them as much as if they were my own. I know that children who have been through difficult things, especially older children, come with baggage. I know that they quite often have behavioral issues and other things. I’m not saying that I would be the perfect parent to them. I’m not the perfect parent to my daughter. I’m not even saying that I should be a parent to anyone other than my daughter. I just wish that all children everywhere could wake up each day and feel loved. I wish that they could go to bed each night and feel safe, secure and happy. I’m shocked at the horrors that so many children live through.

I feel their pain, because I’ve been there. I hated my childhood. I was in a situation where even though everyone was doing the best that they could, I was miserable and was living a life that a child shouldn’t have to. There were happy days, but I remember feeling hurt and alone for the majority. I also went through several incredibly hard things that had nothing to do with my home life in addition to all the things that were going on at home. As an adult, I have managed to overcome so much, but that feeling of never being able to truly trust anyone remains. When everyone in your life that was supposed to take care of you and love you has hurt you, you feel alone. You reach a point when you realize that it is better to keep people at a distance than to open up and let them in. You feel like if you trust them, it is inevitable that they will rip your heart to shreds. For me, there is only one person in the world that I have ever completely let in and that I share every little feeling I have, and that’s my hubby. He is the one person that I trust completely, because though he and I fight from time to time, he has NEVER let me down. The love he gives me every day is remarkable and there are many days when I fight that old feeling of not being “worthy” of his love. I told my husband when I first met him that I was damaged goods. I felt that I should warn him ahead of time. What I didn’t understand then, that I understand now, is that I’m not, nor have I ever been, damaged goods. I was a child that went through awful things that I had no control over. I am as worthy of love as anyone else.

I guess that is the one thing I wish I could tell all the kids out there that feel alone, and like no one loves them and no one ever will, and that they can’t ever trust anybody. I wish that I could tell them that one day, they will find that one person who will show them what it’s like to be treated the way they should be treated and loved the way they should be loved. It might be a future spouse or best friend. That person will help them realize that they were always worthy of love and nothing that happened when they were a child was their fault. There is someone out there that will see them for who they really are and love them all the more for it. All these kids have to do is hold on and have hope. It may be one of the hardest things to do–hope. One day, things will change. The universe will put them on a path to that special person if they will just have faith.

So many kids give up and turn to bad things to cope and just survive. They don’t care if they live or die, all they know is that the world right now is too painful to be in and they just want the pain to stop. My heart hurts for those kids especially. What if there was one person in their life that saw how much they were hurting and didn’t say anything. What if that one person had taken five minutes and said, “I know that life hurts right now and I know you can’t see how it could ever get better, but I promise it will. I know you feel you can’t trust anyone and you probably don’t trust me, but please have hope. When you feel like giving up, just hang on for one more day, because that might be the day your world changes. That might be the day someone shows you what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. Please, please, hold on.” What if that’s all it took?

We as a society are so hateful and mean. We judge others and we try so hard to make people be what we think they should be rather than saying, “You know what? You may be different than me and you may make different choices, but that’s ok. I ask that you treat me with respect and I will show you the same courtesy. All of our differences are what makes us unique and beautiful, so I surely won’t condemn you for yours.” I don’t see why everyone has to tear each other down and make someone hurt, because they don’t see everything the same way. As long as everyone does their best to be a good person and they aren’t out committing horrific crimes or something, then we are all worthy of love and respect. We don’t have to all sit in a circle and sing “koom-by-ya,” but we can coexist peacefully and maybe even smile at each other in Walmart.

I know I’m not the first person to feel like it’s time this legacy of pain and hurt ended. I am simply adding my voice to the thousands/millions of others who have come before me. Next time you want to flip someone off for cutting you off in traffic, remind yourself that maybe it was a genuine mistake, or maybe they just got horrible news and they’re distracted, or maybe it was intentional, but by being angry about it you are only hurting yourself and you just might carry that anger with you. When you get home you might snap at your kids or your spouse and taint their day with upset. Would it really be that bad to grumble to yourself and then move on? Next time something happens and your response would normally be to get angry, try to have a different reaction. Try to think why that person may have done what they did. Maybe they are in pain and if you reach out with love you might just get a response that you didn’t expect. We are all so quick to judge and to assume. I wonder what would happen in the world if we all chose love and compassion over hate and anger? I’m no saint and it’s no secret that most people drive me nuts. I’m not preaching and being hypocritical. I’m preaching to both you and me. I need to hear all this as much as anyone out there. We need more love in this world and it starts with the individual. Who’s day can you change with a smile?

I hate building a fence. I hate it. If you ever need help with a fence, I would be more than happy to help you find a professional, but I won’t come do it myself. I’m sorry, but I just won’t do it. Ok, maybe you could persuade me if your weather is going to be 65 degrees with a gentle breeze and no direct sunlight. Maybe if your soil is nice and soft, with no rocks and no heavy clay. Maybe if you can guarantee that I won’t get sunburned, or eaten by mosquitos, or get a dozen blisters on my hands. Maybe if you will bring in a chiropractor to put my body back together afterwards. Maybe if you will let me take frequent breaks and bring me lots of refreshments. Maybe if you do all those things, I’ll come build your fence… You know what? Never mind. It’s still a “no.”

I will make you a promise though. I promise that if you ask for my help building a fence, I will give you a ton of positive encouragement, all my blessings and wishes of luck. I will even give you a big hug. Then I will give you the name and number of a professional in your area with a really big smile on my face. I might even include the number for your local hardware store with a note on the bottom containing the number for a local chiropractor and therapist. (The chiropractor is for when your done building and the therapist is because you are obviously crazy for wanting to do it yourself.) Your welcome!

I have been super busy for the last few weeks. What do you mean that’s not news? Yes, I know that most people are really busy and have a million things to do. We all get overwhelmed and frustrated at the feeling that there are never enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that we would like too. Then there are the days that we just don’t have enough energy. I understand all of that. I can even accept it. What drives me nuts is when I come up with a whole bunch of fantastic ideas of things I want to do and I have zero patience with focusing on one thing at a time until I make it through all of them. I, and this is going to sound like a 5-year-old, want to do all of them right now! Each and every idea I’ve had lately is so great that I can’t possible pick one to start with. I know the best thing to do would be to make a list and start at the top and work my way down. Blah blah blah. Instead, I’m running around like a nut, thinking about nine million things at once, trying to get the baby to be good for 10 minutes whilst I get something done, trying to at least maintain a semi-clean home while still progressing on my ideas, trying not to panic, trying not to have anxiety and stress, failing horribly at nearly all of it and I end up with my butt on the couch (or here at the computer) thinking, “Now I feel too overwhelmed and I’m too stressed and I’d rather play WOW or blog.”  Oy.

Remember when I mentioned that I’m neurotic? Yep, still am apparently. Remember when I said that I was going to de-stress, calm down, be at peace and take everything in stride? HA! Riiiggghhhttt…. Let me tell you how that’s going…. right after I finish cleaning the house, finish installing the fence, plant the garden, go through all of our old stuff to sell at a yard sale, have that yard sale, find a way to get rid of the ants that have decided to call our house home, teach Mireya lots of stuff so I’m a good mom, reply to the inbox full of emails that I’ve been ignoring, plan a trip to Salt Lake I’ve been putting off, finish making all the hair bows that are sitting here half done, get all prepared to take classes in the fall, get my bike repaired, paint my nails before they peel past the quick again, install the hose holder in the backyard, install the birdfeeder, call and get my lab results for my thyroid test, hang all the gardening tools on the wall in the garage with the hooks we bought months ago, buy new shoes that my insoles fit in better, exercise every day, go shopping for new socks underwear and shorts since I really don’t have any, call the dentist and see if he got a hold of the old dentist that drilled into my sinus cavity and see if they are going to pay for all the repairs and refund my money that I paid for the shitty work

Only one pepper plant has survived. ugh

These are the gardens. That plastic is to protect them from the wind. (a lot of good that did)

My zucchini…

My lone survivor…

My Cherry Tomatoes…

My Slicer Tomatoes…

Excuse me while I cry.

As the title plainly says, I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I really need to learn to go with the flow more. I’ve always struggled with that when I have specific plans for something and I feel pressure to make sure it happens the way I expected it to and planned. What on earth am I talking about? My garden. I was supposed to be able to plant my gardens this last weekend with no problems. Cedar City is so freaking windy that it’s pure madness. I got four cherry tomatoes, four slicer tomatoes and all my zucchini planted. My daughter and I have been extremely allergic to the tomato plants, so I had to plant them regardless of the weather. Within just a few hours of transplanting, it became clear that the wind and chilly air was too much for them. Half of them are broken and they are all horribly wilted. I planted four pepper plants as well. They seem to be holding their own, but just barely.

I honestly just want to cry. I know that it’s going to happen, and especially since it’s my first garden EVER, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. However, that knowledge really doesn’t lessen the sting. My tomatoes were two feet tall and my zucchini were flowering. I put hours and hours, MONTHS,  into those plants and to see that dissolve into a wilted pile in a matter of hours hurts. I actually can’t even get myself to go out there and take photos. All you need to know anyway is that it’s not good.
I just want happy plants. I’m going to take some deep breaths and then get my butt out there and see if I can do any damage control with the remaining plants that need to be planted asap. (I have two cherry and two slicer tomatoes indoors, ready to take the place of some of the dead ones.) Wish me luck!!

***Update: I just went out there and ALL of my zucchini and tomatoes are dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD. My four pepper plants are just barely hanging on. My guess is that they won’t survive the day. sigh

These are photos that I’ve taken in the last year. Every once in awhile I get an amazing nature shot and I just wanted to share the beauty.

My daughter, Mireya, brings so much joy to my life. Yes, there will always be the frustration too, when she’s having a bad day or I am. Heaven knows that some days I want to run away for a couple of hours without a baby or a husband in tow. It’s hard when Mireya won’t cooperate with anything or if she is grumpy. The fact of the matter is though, that there are so many more good times and amazing moments when she makes me smile so big that my cheeks ache. She makes me laugh more than anyone ever has and she gives me this warm, fuzzy, about to cry lots of happy tears feeling when I hold her. Sometimes I just stare at her little face and marvel at how much love I feel for this tiny little person. Those are just a very few of the reasons I disagree with an article I recently read on my CNN app. Here’s an excerpt that couldn’t be more wrong, in my opinion:

Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert’s book “Stumbling on Happiness” looked at several studies and found that children give adults many things, but an “increase in daily happiness is probably not among them.”

He says that psychologists have found parents are less happy interacting with their kids than doing activities such as eating, watching television or even exercising.

“It’s such a counterintuitive finding, because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not,” said Simon.

“From the outside you see the detrimental effects of what our cultural beliefs cause, yet there is this group of people telling you children are the best thing that will ever happen to you,” said Copeland.

I don’t think that everybody should have children, nor that everyone who does will find the happiness from it that they perhaps expected. However, I know that I have found more happiness in raising Mireya than I personally could have imagined. She undoubtedly increases my daily happiness level. The simple pleasure of showing her something new or reading her a story is definitely better than anything else I do all day. I don’t think that if you don’t have kids you should be pitied or that you will never be truly happy. (It was mentioned in the article.) That’s ridiculous. Everyone finds their true happiness in life through different things. Part of mine comes from my husband, part of it from my daughter, and part of it from me and my personal passions, like animals.

Here’s another excerpt:

“I always find it interesting how parents complain about their kids, yet follow it with a statement pertaining to how fulfilling their life is,” she said. “I have yet to meet a parent that does not have an almost daily story of how their child has stressed them in some way.”

It is true that in one paragraph you can say as a parent how frustrating and stressful it is and yet how you wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve said as much in several paragraphs just in this post. I could also say the same thing about being married. My husband is wonderful and amazing and I love him so much. At the same time, he makes me angrier than anyone I’ve ever met and sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and chase him around the house. I could also express the same duality with work, college, best friends, mothers and siblings, just about anything. It is not something that’s unique to having children.

Another excerpt:

Simon says there are other challenges for parents, too. The sociology professor said marital satisfaction decreases after the birth of the first child and continually decreases over time.

This is absolute nonsense for me personally. Watching my husband be an amazing father to Mireya has done nothing but INCREASE my marital happiness. To see the smiles on his face and Mireya’s when they play, or the patience when Mireya won’t do what she’s supposed to, or a million other expressions when he’s interacting with her not only increases the amount of respect I have for him, but the love I feel too. I am more emotionally and physically attracted to him now, than the day we got married. Even more than the day I gave birth. He also has changed in the way he perceives me. I have noticed that he gives me more respect after watching me as a mother. He expresses more love on a daily basis. If you asked him, I have no doubt that he would say that his love for me is growing, not diminishing as the article claims.

I realize everyone has their own opinions, and while I appreciate everyone’s right to share them, I sometimes disagree so much that I really wonder what kind of an impact an article like this has on our country. Will college students who planned on having children in five years after they graduate suddenly doubt that choice? Will couples who don’t have children yet, but are considering it, let this be the final bit of ‘research’ that decides for them? Who knows? Probably not, but I wonder if an article like this does have a detrimental effect on even just one person or couple, was it worth it? It would be a shame. I hope this article doesn’t give those parents who really aren’t enjoying it, a reason or proof that they don’t have to. Sometimes I see parents who don’t have a problem telling their children that they don’t want to be a parent. I hope this doesn’t give them an excuse.

Having children is not for everyone, but for those of us who have them and love it, this article is aggravating.  I go to bed and Mireya is one of the last things I think about before falling asleep and the first thing I think of each morning. Just because every single minute isn’t perfect and yes, having a child increased my stress level in many ways, that doesn’t mean that I would trade a minute of it or that I ever regret it. Who’s to say that some people don’t actually live longer, happier lives because of their kids? I made a conscious, well thought out choice to have Mireya and every day I’m grateful that I did. I knew that it would be a lot of hard work and stress, but the joy I get each day from being a mommy to my little girl is so far beyond anything negative that it’s incredible.

A picture is worth a thousand words:

Sparty Snuggles

I have two kitties. One of them, Zoey, has always been my baby boy. He loves only me and he has always been a snuggler. He cuddles with me all the time. My other kitty, Spartacus, we got about a year and a half ago and he is a major lover boy. He never used to like being picked up, he just wanted to rub against you and have you pet him until your hands fell off. Well, he has gotten more used to lovies from me and he now runs over the minute I sit down on the couch. He jumps into my lap and kneads my stomach until I think I might barf and then just in time he settles down for snuggies. I LOVE IT! Zoey isn’t too thrilled about it and neither is my one-year-old for that matter. Zoey glares at me and Mireya comes over and whines and whaps at Sparty. Despite those two being poopers about it, I must admit that I THOROUGHLY enjoy it. He’s my Sparty man! What can I say?

Both of My Boys

Everyone Wants to be Mommy’s Baby

Zoey Baby Boy

What? Is this weird?